What then?

I wrote a paragraph as part of a writing exercise, on a Facebook "writer's" page. I was one of 11 people to do so. That was the other day, today I went back onto it and had a look. Ten other people had done the exercise too, in the comments section, same as me.

Nine posts had one or more "likes" and two had none.

Mine was one of those two.

I immediately wanted to delete it because the cringe factor involved in the fact that no one thought my paragraph was good enough to "like" on a social network, was astronomical. But I didn't delete it, I decided to tough it out - stare at my "no likes" and then move on. But it got me thinking, my self doubt when it comes to writing is so huge that I can never finish a full length manuscript because I'm afraid my story isn't interesting enough and that no one would want to read it. It's a horrible feeling.

But even if I did manage to surpass the self doubt and write something that I loved, would I give up again when I got rejected by however many agents? Or if no one wanted to publish my story, what then?

It got me thinking about goals in life. My goals are pretty much the ones I've had since school, and I'm 33 now and I still haven't been to New York, and I still haven't written a book, I don't own my own house. I've accomplished things, I have two wonderful children, I am married to their father, we live in a nice rented property and we have a lovely dog and don't do bad money wise. But those things were never my goals, I was never bothered about getting married or having kids, but I ended up doing so. So what about my actual goals? Well, my husband decided that next year should be the year that we go to New York. I've wanted to for 18 years but have never gotten there, as a throwaway comment after we'd decided to go, he said "What will you do when you've been to New York? Will you find somewhere else that you need to go to?"

I couldn't say. Because New York has just become one of those things, I swoon over pictures, I trawl the internet looking for flight prices, but it never occurred to me what would happen after I went... Will I just be one goal down? Do you create another one?

If I went to New York and then accomplished my dream of being a writer, what then? Do you just make more goals and if that's the case time after time, are you never fulfilled? Or do you accomplish your goals and think, "Wow, that was great," and then sit back and read a magazine?

Sometimes I fear that I'll never be satisfied. My husband always tells me, and I know myself, that I'm always wanting something - and once I've got it, I start wanting something else. Is that a bad thing? Or is that, in it's own way, a goal? Where does it end?

We will go to New York. And I'll keep trying with my book. But I can't help but wonder, what then?

Bullying

At school, I was bullied relentlessly, one particular person per school. Growing up as an only child I hadn't had a sibling to spar with and fight and bounce off, I'd been a pretty quiet, creative child and this went from being something nice, to something weak, when I was too afraid to fend off bullies.

I didn't dare to tell my parents or my teachers, I simply suffered in silence. Friends left my side to go to the side of the "stronger" person and at high school, I spent a month or two eating my lunch alone when the "hardest" girl in school decided she didn't like me. The annoying thing was I never did anything wrong, once it was because someone thought I'd kissed someone else's boyfriend - which I hadn't. At first school it was because I came back from holiday browner than 90% of the other kids, so I was subject to racist comments. Another time it was because I was friends with one girl's brother and she didn't like it. In my first job, at 17 as an office junior, I was bullied quietly by the (alcoholic, it turned out) office manager who made my days long and my life hell. So much so that when I and my then boyfriend saw him out at a pub, long after he'd been sacked and even longer after I'd been sacked (for being off with tonsillitis, and exhaustion from being picked at every day), his extended hand - an olive branch to me - was pushed away angrily by my boyfriend. I never saw the alcoholic again thankfully.

Thus, I cannot stand bullying. The very thought of my children being bullied makes my blood boil and I would go to the ends of the earth to protect them from it. But I'm still not so sure I'd protect myself.

I'm not confrontational, I hate it, in fact. But when someone who is "superior" to me in any way, someone in a work environment maybe, or someone older, tougher, takes a dislike to me, I'm back in school and the victim again. And I hate that. I want to be more confident in my ability to stand up for myself, but self doubt always creeps in and it is that holds me back.

The thing I would want to drill into the minds of all child is, don't be afraid to tell someone. I remember thinking that the second girl to bully me (for no discernible reason other than she didn't like me) was all powerful, and I didn't even tell my dad. In hindsight, he would have dealt with it right away, I know that now. But I was so terrified of that girl that I dare not tell anyone. Not even when she chased me home and at my back gate dragged my My Little Pony jumper over my head, spat on it and ground it into the dirt with her trainer. I wish I had. And every time I see the news that a child has killed him or herself as a result of bullying, I just wish that people had listened, done more.

Not enough is done about bullying, teachers see it as kids being naughty kids and in most cases they do not do enough. Bullies are allowed back to school again and again.

In my opinion, the first offence should result in a warning, the second in the parents being called in, the third in suspension and the fourth in expulsion. Teachers seem to not realise, or to have forgotten how frightening, isolating and horrific it is to be taunted, mocked or physically abused day in and day out. Even if there is no physical abuse, the phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" is rubbish, day after day of nasty words, notes, talking behind backs, laughing, mocking, is enough to take it's toll on anyone.

Teachers need to toughen up, not kids.
To anyone that's being bullied, please tell someone, and make sure that someone won't take "no" for an answer when it comes to the situation being dealt with fairly, effectively and peacefully.

Misophonia - thank God I found a reason!!!

I am often frowned at for my intolerance of certain things, noisy eating, heavy breathing, the dog licking himself, the repeated calls of "Mum, mum, mum, mum," when I'm unable to answer (brushing my teeth mainly). I literally had to move seats on a train once because a girl sitting behind me was chewing gum with her mouth open. I asked my mother to call me back once when she rung me at work whilst eating an apple. I hiss at the dog to shut up when he's licking himself - I don't mean once, I mean like making a meal of his own fur. I listened to a radio show recently and the men that were speaking on it must have been close to the mics and had dry mouths, they clacked out every word, it made my skin crawl.

This is not an exaggeration, the feeling I get when I hear any of the above (apart from the "mum" calling, unless it's first thing in the morning) is that of me wishing I could actually tear off my own skin and gag the offending personage. So you can imagine my relief when I was alerted to the condition known as Misophonia, which is literally "hatred of sound". It's not every sound, but apparently, sufferers normally have a set of "trigger" sounds - mine being things normally to do with people's mouths, chewing, licking, silly noises, heavy breathing. Which funnily enough, I have just realised, could be linked to the fact that I have an almost odd obsession with people's mouths... An internet source states that misophonia is thought to be a neurological disorder which is characterised by negative experiences resulting from specific sounds. Could my issue with people's mouths be the reason behind my hatred of certain sounds? I don't know what it is about mouths, I really don't. But when I used to watch soap operas, I would instantly be irritated by someone with an unusual mouth - extremely pouty lips or overemphasis of the formation of words when speaking. Once something like this became apparent to me on a character, I was unable to let it go and would often complete ignore what was going on in favour of boiling with rage over the ridiculous cake-hole that was being flexed in front of me.

Sex & The City is one of my absolute favourite shows, but the way that Cynthia Nixon would eat in almost every episode seemed to be almost deliberate: She ate with her mouth open. I found it so irritating, that I sometimes looked away when there was a lunch scene with her in it.
No way would it stop me watching it, and I still heart Miranda ... I just couldn't have brunch with her.

"Social" networking??

Social networking sites are the ultimate place to fantasise. I don't mean in a "private" sense, I mean, if you have a number of "friends" that aren't actually friends, you can tell them pretty much anything and they won't question it. These sites are also one of the worst places to visit in you don't have the highest self esteem; constantly looking at pictures of people's luxury holidays, wild nights out, huge engagement rings, new Louboutins etc etc, can leave you with a large dose of the green eyed monster, and it ain't healthy.

People that update every time they have a cup of tea or go to a friend's house or eat a burger are surely lacking in something... Company maybe? Or interest from a significant other? I know it's a way to keep in touch, but do you really think your 284 "friends" care if you've just farted the National Anthem - ok that's something I totally would read because despite being gross, that would be damn impressive.

I am also well aware that these sites are a great place to vent, but I find it beyond irritating to read the following kind of thread:

Jo Bloggs: "Oh my God, I can't believe what's just happened! You think you know someone and now this!"
Concerned friend: "U ok babes?"
Jo Bloggs: "I will be hun, just really upset because of something that someone I THOUGHT I knew has done to me :( "
Nosy Parker: "What's happened hun?"
Jo Bloggs: "I'll message you, I can't talk about it on here."

...

Me: "SO WHY MENTION IT ON HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE??!!"

Attention seeking - that's the only thing I can call it. The need to have people rally round asking if you are okay and what's happened. I don't know if it's lame sad or boo-hoo sad... Do they do it for attention in that they need to feel wanted and that someone gives a damn, or do they do it so that people will worry about them or do they do it to show what dramatic lives they lead? Whichever reason it is, just stop bloody doing it! Or at least put something like "I just caught my boyfriend in bed with the next door neighbour, I kicked her ass and threw his clothes out of the window, I have no idea where he is and I don't care. I am now going to consume a bottle of red wine and listen to Celine Dion - Tina, could you please come to my house in approximately 48 hours to make sure I haven't flushed my own head down the toilet." That would leave no questions unanswered, everyone would know what's going on, you would probably feel better and you wouldn't be pissing anyone off - except your neighbour and your now ex-boyfriend, and maybe Tina if she's having to cancel her mani-pedi to come and dry your toilet hair.

I use these sites that I am somewhat damning, I have deactivated my account on more than one occasion, the longest spell was for a month, and by then, I had almost kicked the habit but I reactivated out of curiosity, and I was back in the loop. I claim that I keep my account open because of all the pictures I have on there, and so I can keep updated on things such as pregnancies of friends - but if they are real friends, shouldn't I be keeping up with them in other ways? In truth, I am nosy and afraid of missing something, even it is someone going to McDonalds for their lunch. I want to delete my accounts, I really do, but then I'm out of the loop, people know things before I do and I don't like it. And sometimes I want to share a picture, or the fact that I fancy Kevin Spacey or a witty anecdote to brighten my friends' days for a moment. But I don't like Facebook, it continually fucks up with privacy issues. I do, however, like Twitter. I despise Trolls on any site.

So that's my rant over, and in way more than 140 characters. But we are so often interacting via text, email, networking sites that I suppose the question is, in a world where technology is taking over, are we forgetting how to communicate?

Where the hell am I?!?!?!

OK, so I'm pretty much at ease with me. I know who I am (I think), I know what I want (although I'm still not sure how realistic it is), I know what's going on in a round about way - but ... and here's the thing that I now find scary, I have absolutely no idea where I'm going. It's like I've been let loose in rural Europe on a push bike, without a map...

So I know what I want... In an ideal world, I want to be a writer, an author, a best selling author - I want to make people laugh, cry, think, I want to inspire people, just by the power of my writing. And I know that I'm not a terribly bad writer - have you read 50 Shades of Grey? (saucer of milk for the catty bitch please)... But I also know that I've written a book that's been rejected by a large handful of agents. I knew I had to take it on the chin, as I mentioned in a previous blog, but now I think that what I'm afraid of is failure. Maybe that's what I've been afraid of all along. And I am very conscious of not having the time to do things (I blog hurriedly sometimes in the fifteen minute window when my children are watching Spongebob before school - strike whilst the iron is hot and all that).

When you read one of those articles that asks something along the lines of 'If you could have any career without the chance of failure, what would it be?' OK, OK, so it's not from an article, it's from a self help book (bite me), anyway my answer would be - Author. Failing that, I'd be a physics teacher - if only I'd had Professor Brian Cox to teach me physics, and ironically I don't find him physically attractive, just mentally stimulating - but that's another story ... or blog. I still want a degree in particle physics, but one thing at a time eh?

I seem to be on a conveyor belt, in the manner of some weird sci-fi film, where I keep appearing on said belt in different situations, with my finger to my lip, looking around curiously and saying, "Nope, next please," then I come out in a different place with a different situation and the same happens again. In short, I always seem to be searching for more. And it's not like I have the financial backing to go and 'find myself' in India, or Thailand or anywhere else amazing and spiritual and expensive to get to, not that I even think that would work, I expect I'd be enlightened for a new months and then back to square one. I seem to be constantly on the look out for the right place to be, the right thing to do, and I feel like I never get there or do it. And I have kids, financially and time draining in their own sweet way. BTW, I love my babies, they are enlightening and wondrous and funny and awe inspiring, but one day, they will grow up and have their own lives...

The thing that keeps me from feeling content and settled is the fact that I feel that I am still hurtling along on a wind of uncertainty with no real idea where I am headed. I mean, let's say I stay in this position (not sitting on the couch blogging - but generally speaking) for the next 16 years, at which time my children will be 20 and 21 and I will be 47 (OH MY GOD!), what will I do when they are flying the nest? If they are moving in with partners, going travelling, or going to Uni etc etc... What will I do then? I'm not content with the thought that I will trundle along in the same sort of job, simply sitting around whimpering about having nothing to do my new found freedom - letting it pass me by in a ridiculously Sally Webster way... I'd like to think that I'll have plans, I'll have a life. Let's - again - look at an ideal situation; I'll be writing and earning enough money to be comfortable, I'll be able to travel to new places, inspirational place to inspire more writing, I'll update my children on how their mother is kicking ass in life, as opposed to sitting around, festering and waiting for them to bring me bags of washing home to prove to me that they still need me. I will inspire them and they will look at me and think, 'Wow, that's my mum!' Even if I'm not travelling the world or relaxing in a bath of fifty pound notes, I hope that I will still be awesome enough for them to think that, as I do of my own mum.

I don't want there to be a time when I feel like I'm done - not until I know it's time for me to go (getting too deep here? Apologies...) but I want to live life to the full, embrace my feelings, follow my dreams; LIVE!

I remember wanting my mum to buy me a T-shirt when I was younger, it Red Dwarf memorabilia (hello 90s children!) and had a picture of Craig Charles on the front with some sort of alien blasting gun in his hands. She wouldn't buy me it, probably because the phrase was:

Let's get out there and twat it!

But I think these could be wise words...

Dating.

I've been watching my Sex & The City boxset (just gotten to the end of Season 2 - again) and I can't help but think that maybe, when it comes to men, I peaked too soon (and that maybe I was born on the wrong continent). I never really dated as such, I had a few ill advised flings but apart from that, I had boyfriends pretty much solidly.

The man that I am currently cohabiting with is, for want of a better word, my baby Daddy (which seems mean in a way because he can be great in certain situations, but a complete tit in others...) and he and I have had a tempestuous relationship in which we act for the most part, like our pasts have a hold over us. He is Serious Boyfriend #3 - and I am 31... I have had a couple of boyfriends who lasted a matter of months, henceforth know as CBFs (Casual Boyfriends) and a few what can only be described as Oops Moments with men that I am or was friends with. But I have never been Out There Dating, and I know, I know that Yorkshire is hardly New York but had I lived nearer inner city Leeds or similar, maybe my dating/relationship history may have been different. I expect the number of SBs would be similar to what is actually is, the CBFs and OMs may have been more plentiful, but is that something that I'd want? I've never been good with flings, it's not really my kind of scene - I'm kind of defensive with men as it is. But I do wonder where I would have been had my dating life been different.

That's not to say that I would have wanted it to be, because had it not gone the way it did, I wouldn't have my two (mostly) wonderful children. But I can't help but gaze wistfully into the middle distance on occasion and imagine myself as a Carrie/Samantha/Charlotte/Miranda morph, having a fabulous, cosy yet chic apartment all to myself, dating men who take me out for cocktails and having my own Mr Big to ponder over and having my circle of girlfriends tighter than it is nowadays, where we seem to drift slightly based on whereabouts our lives are currently at.

I am well aware that I am a very lucky person, I may not have large amounts of wealth (yet) or a perfect relationship (do they even exist?) or an amazing job (yet), but I have good health, I have healthy children, a job, a nice house, some great friends, a dog in a million and I have talent - and I have the capacity to expand myself, when my children are grown, I'll still be at an age where I can do pretty much anything I want, change my career, finally go to Manhattan on my pilgrimage that has so far been 17 years in the planning... So yes, I'm not moaning, compared to many, I have a good life, a great life, but sometimes I can't help wondering;

Did I peak too soon? Or is my peak yet to come?

Are we using The Law of Attraction against ourselves?

It's hard not to open the paper or read the news without freaking out. It sometimes feels impossible to believe that you, your children and anyone you care about will ever be able to live to a ripe old age and have fun and live life without being murdered or getting a terrible disease or losing the plot or having something equally terrifying happen.

Everywhere you look in the papers and on the news, people are sick or missing or suffering - I often find it hard to not let it drag me into misery. In fact, I've stopped slagging off trashy celebrity magazines because I feel like I'd rather read about Katie Price's latest business venture than a family being gunned down whilst on holiday. It may not be rocket science, but at least it's not something that's going to weigh on my heart and make me lose sleep.

The thing that I keep thinking about though, is The Law of Attraction - fundamentally how 'like attracts like'. If we're constantly reading about misery and pain and suffering, aren't things like this going to be more rife? It's like, people worry about things a lot, therefore they think about them a lot, shouldn't that mean that sooner or later, these thoughts will manifest into reality?

I wonder what would happen if we conducted an experiment, everyone across the globe - and the rules were:
1 - No bad news in the papers
2 - No bad news on the television
3 - Promote happiness, show inspiring and happy stories
4 - Encourage kindness and humility

It would be so interesting to see if there was a change in the world - I'd like to think that there would be. If I truly believe this though, should I not include this kind of behaviour in my own life? Good deeds (karma), not watching anything on TV except my Cougar Town, Sex & The City and The Inbetweeners boxsets, only reading things like Glamour and heat. Actually, this seems like a good idea, and something that I might actually try... I will absolutely blog about it - see if I get any good results. I think I will, because as Gandhi said;

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”

Follow my lead!!