What then?

I wrote a paragraph as part of a writing exercise, on a Facebook "writer's" page. I was one of 11 people to do so. That was the other day, today I went back onto it and had a look. Ten other people had done the exercise too, in the comments section, same as me.

Nine posts had one or more "likes" and two had none.

Mine was one of those two.

I immediately wanted to delete it because the cringe factor involved in the fact that no one thought my paragraph was good enough to "like" on a social network, was astronomical. But I didn't delete it, I decided to tough it out - stare at my "no likes" and then move on. But it got me thinking, my self doubt when it comes to writing is so huge that I can never finish a full length manuscript because I'm afraid my story isn't interesting enough and that no one would want to read it. It's a horrible feeling.

But even if I did manage to surpass the self doubt and write something that I loved, would I give up again when I got rejected by however many agents? Or if no one wanted to publish my story, what then?

It got me thinking about goals in life. My goals are pretty much the ones I've had since school, and I'm 33 now and I still haven't been to New York, and I still haven't written a book, I don't own my own house. I've accomplished things, I have two wonderful children, I am married to their father, we live in a nice rented property and we have a lovely dog and don't do bad money wise. But those things were never my goals, I was never bothered about getting married or having kids, but I ended up doing so. So what about my actual goals? Well, my husband decided that next year should be the year that we go to New York. I've wanted to for 18 years but have never gotten there, as a throwaway comment after we'd decided to go, he said "What will you do when you've been to New York? Will you find somewhere else that you need to go to?"

I couldn't say. Because New York has just become one of those things, I swoon over pictures, I trawl the internet looking for flight prices, but it never occurred to me what would happen after I went... Will I just be one goal down? Do you create another one?

If I went to New York and then accomplished my dream of being a writer, what then? Do you just make more goals and if that's the case time after time, are you never fulfilled? Or do you accomplish your goals and think, "Wow, that was great," and then sit back and read a magazine?

Sometimes I fear that I'll never be satisfied. My husband always tells me, and I know myself, that I'm always wanting something - and once I've got it, I start wanting something else. Is that a bad thing? Or is that, in it's own way, a goal? Where does it end?

We will go to New York. And I'll keep trying with my book. But I can't help but wonder, what then?

Bullying

At school, I was bullied relentlessly, one particular person per school. Growing up as an only child I hadn't had a sibling to spar with and fight and bounce off, I'd been a pretty quiet, creative child and this went from being something nice, to something weak, when I was too afraid to fend off bullies.

I didn't dare to tell my parents or my teachers, I simply suffered in silence. Friends left my side to go to the side of the "stronger" person and at high school, I spent a month or two eating my lunch alone when the "hardest" girl in school decided she didn't like me. The annoying thing was I never did anything wrong, once it was because someone thought I'd kissed someone else's boyfriend - which I hadn't. At first school it was because I came back from holiday browner than 90% of the other kids, so I was subject to racist comments. Another time it was because I was friends with one girl's brother and she didn't like it. In my first job, at 17 as an office junior, I was bullied quietly by the (alcoholic, it turned out) office manager who made my days long and my life hell. So much so that when I and my then boyfriend saw him out at a pub, long after he'd been sacked and even longer after I'd been sacked (for being off with tonsillitis, and exhaustion from being picked at every day), his extended hand - an olive branch to me - was pushed away angrily by my boyfriend. I never saw the alcoholic again thankfully.

Thus, I cannot stand bullying. The very thought of my children being bullied makes my blood boil and I would go to the ends of the earth to protect them from it. But I'm still not so sure I'd protect myself.

I'm not confrontational, I hate it, in fact. But when someone who is "superior" to me in any way, someone in a work environment maybe, or someone older, tougher, takes a dislike to me, I'm back in school and the victim again. And I hate that. I want to be more confident in my ability to stand up for myself, but self doubt always creeps in and it is that holds me back.

The thing I would want to drill into the minds of all child is, don't be afraid to tell someone. I remember thinking that the second girl to bully me (for no discernible reason other than she didn't like me) was all powerful, and I didn't even tell my dad. In hindsight, he would have dealt with it right away, I know that now. But I was so terrified of that girl that I dare not tell anyone. Not even when she chased me home and at my back gate dragged my My Little Pony jumper over my head, spat on it and ground it into the dirt with her trainer. I wish I had. And every time I see the news that a child has killed him or herself as a result of bullying, I just wish that people had listened, done more.

Not enough is done about bullying, teachers see it as kids being naughty kids and in most cases they do not do enough. Bullies are allowed back to school again and again.

In my opinion, the first offence should result in a warning, the second in the parents being called in, the third in suspension and the fourth in expulsion. Teachers seem to not realise, or to have forgotten how frightening, isolating and horrific it is to be taunted, mocked or physically abused day in and day out. Even if there is no physical abuse, the phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" is rubbish, day after day of nasty words, notes, talking behind backs, laughing, mocking, is enough to take it's toll on anyone.

Teachers need to toughen up, not kids.
To anyone that's being bullied, please tell someone, and make sure that someone won't take "no" for an answer when it comes to the situation being dealt with fairly, effectively and peacefully.