Up until very recently, I was always comparing myself to others; the build of my body, my face, the colour of my eyes, the clothes I wore, the way I spoke, the things I liked. I was convinced that everybody else was much more acceptable a person than I.
When I wanted my hair cut, I would take a picture of, say, Carey Mulligan's hair and try and pretend that I thought it was a totally viable request for the poor stylish to do this miracle. Carey Mulligan's hair = Straight, fairy-like and blonde. My hair = brunette, curly and argumentative. I would buy clothes that I wasn't too sure suited me, because I had seen someone wearing them in a magazine that thought they looked awesome. I was totally unaware of how to treat myself; I always seemed to be criticising something or making something appear that wouldn't (straight smooth locks) or making something shrink to disproportionate sizes that wouldn't (my ass ain't ever going to fit in size 8 jeans!).
In the 90's when I was growing up, all my friends were into "rave" music and would frequent organised raves such as Helter-Skelter and Vibealite. I listened along to the music, sharing the earphones of somebody's walkman whilst we sat outside in subzero temperatures sharing cigarettes and probably scaring old ladies. I nodded along to said music and sang the words with my girlfriends. But in truth, I hated the music, I really did - but because everyone else liked it, I did too. I went along to a rave once, and it was one of the most boring nights of my life, I feigned stomach upset and sat (mostly alone) in the designated seating area, watching people stumbling around chewing their own ears with their eyes in the back of their heads. I sat there in a stupid, short psychedelic dress and watched my friends dancing away. I wanted to listen to hip hop and rap and R&B, I bought Doggystyle when I was about 14 or 15 and I still think it's one of the best rap albums ever made. I'd sit in my room, listening to Salt n' Pepa or Warren G and I'd think, "This is me, this is the music I like." It's so unfortunate that I felt I had to pretend to like music I hated, to fit in; the people that actually mattered in our little group that we hung out in, like me for me, not for the music I like. And the people that mattered are still my friends now and we are diverse and have our own tastes, and now we are aware that it is in fact that trait that makes us "cool".
I want to instill in my children the knowledge that being "cool" is being who you are, despite what you might think you "should" be. Children are children, they should behave as such, when I was 12, I was mostly trying to record my favourite songs from the radio without including on the tape the DJ saying, "And that was Snap! with Exterminate". Nowadays, too many twelve year olds wear make up in public, smoke and curse at elderly people, they know far too much about sex and they watch things that they shouldn't. I know one twelve year old who's mother allows him to drink a couple of cans of lager on a Saturday night - this to me is unacceptable parenting.
Saying that though, I'm all for the Mediterranean way in which children are raised, especially Italians, who "teach" their children to drink; watered down wine with meals from a young age. But meal time in Italy and similar, is a family affair; it is not eaten from TV trays whilst watching re-runs of The Simpsons, it is a time to sit around a table, eat delicious foods and talk, actually talk to each other and know what the others are thinking. I think the only time we do this in England is at Christmas! That's not to say everyone is the same, we eat dinner at the table everyday, but when I was younger we ate with our plates on our knees, I'm not saying either way is "wrong", each to their own, but I know what I prefer. I also know I'd prefer Italy's climate but that's another story.
I've gone off on a bit of a rant here but that's the idea I guess. The point is, I accept myself now, I accept my body and I can now celebrate it, I accept that I am not a very conventional person in many aspects, I accept that I enjoy making people laugh, I accept that I am somewhat of a behavioural chameleon; I adapt my behaviour according to the company I am in. I accept that I am hot headed and have a short temper and that I probably shout a little more than I'd like to. I accept me, because I'm stuck with me, and I'm happy with that (for the most part!). You can always better yourself, but that doesn't mean you can alter the structure of who you really are.
The moral of the story is to be you, because you are the only person you will ever be. As one of my heros, the late, great Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else, is the greatest accomplishment."
When I wanted my hair cut, I would take a picture of, say, Carey Mulligan's hair and try and pretend that I thought it was a totally viable request for the poor stylish to do this miracle. Carey Mulligan's hair = Straight, fairy-like and blonde. My hair = brunette, curly and argumentative. I would buy clothes that I wasn't too sure suited me, because I had seen someone wearing them in a magazine that thought they looked awesome. I was totally unaware of how to treat myself; I always seemed to be criticising something or making something appear that wouldn't (straight smooth locks) or making something shrink to disproportionate sizes that wouldn't (my ass ain't ever going to fit in size 8 jeans!).
In the 90's when I was growing up, all my friends were into "rave" music and would frequent organised raves such as Helter-Skelter and Vibealite. I listened along to the music, sharing the earphones of somebody's walkman whilst we sat outside in subzero temperatures sharing cigarettes and probably scaring old ladies. I nodded along to said music and sang the words with my girlfriends. But in truth, I hated the music, I really did - but because everyone else liked it, I did too. I went along to a rave once, and it was one of the most boring nights of my life, I feigned stomach upset and sat (mostly alone) in the designated seating area, watching people stumbling around chewing their own ears with their eyes in the back of their heads. I sat there in a stupid, short psychedelic dress and watched my friends dancing away. I wanted to listen to hip hop and rap and R&B, I bought Doggystyle when I was about 14 or 15 and I still think it's one of the best rap albums ever made. I'd sit in my room, listening to Salt n' Pepa or Warren G and I'd think, "This is me, this is the music I like." It's so unfortunate that I felt I had to pretend to like music I hated, to fit in; the people that actually mattered in our little group that we hung out in, like me for me, not for the music I like. And the people that mattered are still my friends now and we are diverse and have our own tastes, and now we are aware that it is in fact that trait that makes us "cool".
I want to instill in my children the knowledge that being "cool" is being who you are, despite what you might think you "should" be. Children are children, they should behave as such, when I was 12, I was mostly trying to record my favourite songs from the radio without including on the tape the DJ saying, "And that was Snap! with Exterminate". Nowadays, too many twelve year olds wear make up in public, smoke and curse at elderly people, they know far too much about sex and they watch things that they shouldn't. I know one twelve year old who's mother allows him to drink a couple of cans of lager on a Saturday night - this to me is unacceptable parenting.
Saying that though, I'm all for the Mediterranean way in which children are raised, especially Italians, who "teach" their children to drink; watered down wine with meals from a young age. But meal time in Italy and similar, is a family affair; it is not eaten from TV trays whilst watching re-runs of The Simpsons, it is a time to sit around a table, eat delicious foods and talk, actually talk to each other and know what the others are thinking. I think the only time we do this in England is at Christmas! That's not to say everyone is the same, we eat dinner at the table everyday, but when I was younger we ate with our plates on our knees, I'm not saying either way is "wrong", each to their own, but I know what I prefer. I also know I'd prefer Italy's climate but that's another story.
I've gone off on a bit of a rant here but that's the idea I guess. The point is, I accept myself now, I accept my body and I can now celebrate it, I accept that I am not a very conventional person in many aspects, I accept that I enjoy making people laugh, I accept that I am somewhat of a behavioural chameleon; I adapt my behaviour according to the company I am in. I accept that I am hot headed and have a short temper and that I probably shout a little more than I'd like to. I accept me, because I'm stuck with me, and I'm happy with that (for the most part!). You can always better yourself, but that doesn't mean you can alter the structure of who you really are.
The moral of the story is to be you, because you are the only person you will ever be. As one of my heros, the late, great Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else, is the greatest accomplishment."
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