OK, so I'm pretty much at ease with me. I know who I am (I think), I know what I want (although I'm still not sure how realistic it is), I know what's going on in a round about way - but ... and here's the thing that I now find scary, I have absolutely no idea where I'm going. It's like I've been let loose in rural Europe on a push bike, without a map...
So I know what I want... In an ideal world, I want to be a writer, an author, a best selling author - I want to make people laugh, cry, think, I want to inspire people, just by the power of my writing. And I know that I'm not a terribly bad writer - have you read 50 Shades of Grey? (saucer of milk for the catty bitch please)... But I also know that I've written a book that's been rejected by a large handful of agents. I knew I had to take it on the chin, as I mentioned in a previous blog, but now I think that what I'm afraid of is failure. Maybe that's what I've been afraid of all along. And I am very conscious of not having the time to do things (I blog hurriedly sometimes in the fifteen minute window when my children are watching Spongebob before school - strike whilst the iron is hot and all that).
When you read one of those articles that asks something along the lines of 'If you could have any career without the chance of failure, what would it be?' OK, OK, so it's not from an article, it's from a self help book (bite me), anyway my answer would be - Author. Failing that, I'd be a physics teacher - if only I'd had Professor Brian Cox to teach me physics, and ironically I don't find him physically attractive, just mentally stimulating - but that's another story ... or blog. I still want a degree in particle physics, but one thing at a time eh?
I seem to be on a conveyor belt, in the manner of some weird sci-fi film, where I keep appearing on said belt in different situations, with my finger to my lip, looking around curiously and saying, "Nope, next please," then I come out in a different place with a different situation and the same happens again. In short, I always seem to be searching for more. And it's not like I have the financial backing to go and 'find myself' in India, or Thailand or anywhere else amazing and spiritual and expensive to get to, not that I even think that would work, I expect I'd be enlightened for a new months and then back to square one. I seem to be constantly on the look out for the right place to be, the right thing to do, and I feel like I never get there or do it. And I have kids, financially and time draining in their own sweet way. BTW, I love my babies, they are enlightening and wondrous and funny and awe inspiring, but one day, they will grow up and have their own lives...
The thing that keeps me from feeling content and settled is the fact that I feel that I am still hurtling along on a wind of uncertainty with no real idea where I am headed. I mean, let's say I stay in this position (not sitting on the couch blogging - but generally speaking) for the next 16 years, at which time my children will be 20 and 21 and I will be 47 (OH MY GOD!), what will I do when they are flying the nest? If they are moving in with partners, going travelling, or going to Uni etc etc... What will I do then? I'm not content with the thought that I will trundle along in the same sort of job, simply sitting around whimpering about having nothing to do my new found freedom - letting it pass me by in a ridiculously Sally Webster way... I'd like to think that I'll have plans, I'll have a life. Let's - again - look at an ideal situation; I'll be writing and earning enough money to be comfortable, I'll be able to travel to new places, inspirational place to inspire more writing, I'll update my children on how their mother is kicking ass in life, as opposed to sitting around, festering and waiting for them to bring me bags of washing home to prove to me that they still need me. I will inspire them and they will look at me and think, 'Wow, that's my mum!' Even if I'm not travelling the world or relaxing in a bath of fifty pound notes, I hope that I will still be awesome enough for them to think that, as I do of my own mum.
I don't want there to be a time when I feel like I'm done - not until I know it's time for me to go (getting too deep here? Apologies...) but I want to live life to the full, embrace my feelings, follow my dreams; LIVE!
I remember wanting my mum to buy me a T-shirt when I was younger, it Red Dwarf memorabilia (hello 90s children!) and had a picture of Craig Charles on the front with some sort of alien blasting gun in his hands. She wouldn't buy me it, probably because the phrase was:
Let's get out there and twat it!
But I think these could be wise words...
So I know what I want... In an ideal world, I want to be a writer, an author, a best selling author - I want to make people laugh, cry, think, I want to inspire people, just by the power of my writing. And I know that I'm not a terribly bad writer - have you read 50 Shades of Grey? (saucer of milk for the catty bitch please)... But I also know that I've written a book that's been rejected by a large handful of agents. I knew I had to take it on the chin, as I mentioned in a previous blog, but now I think that what I'm afraid of is failure. Maybe that's what I've been afraid of all along. And I am very conscious of not having the time to do things (I blog hurriedly sometimes in the fifteen minute window when my children are watching Spongebob before school - strike whilst the iron is hot and all that).
When you read one of those articles that asks something along the lines of 'If you could have any career without the chance of failure, what would it be?' OK, OK, so it's not from an article, it's from a self help book (bite me), anyway my answer would be - Author. Failing that, I'd be a physics teacher - if only I'd had Professor Brian Cox to teach me physics, and ironically I don't find him physically attractive, just mentally stimulating - but that's another story ... or blog. I still want a degree in particle physics, but one thing at a time eh?
I seem to be on a conveyor belt, in the manner of some weird sci-fi film, where I keep appearing on said belt in different situations, with my finger to my lip, looking around curiously and saying, "Nope, next please," then I come out in a different place with a different situation and the same happens again. In short, I always seem to be searching for more. And it's not like I have the financial backing to go and 'find myself' in India, or Thailand or anywhere else amazing and spiritual and expensive to get to, not that I even think that would work, I expect I'd be enlightened for a new months and then back to square one. I seem to be constantly on the look out for the right place to be, the right thing to do, and I feel like I never get there or do it. And I have kids, financially and time draining in their own sweet way. BTW, I love my babies, they are enlightening and wondrous and funny and awe inspiring, but one day, they will grow up and have their own lives...
The thing that keeps me from feeling content and settled is the fact that I feel that I am still hurtling along on a wind of uncertainty with no real idea where I am headed. I mean, let's say I stay in this position (not sitting on the couch blogging - but generally speaking) for the next 16 years, at which time my children will be 20 and 21 and I will be 47 (OH MY GOD!), what will I do when they are flying the nest? If they are moving in with partners, going travelling, or going to Uni etc etc... What will I do then? I'm not content with the thought that I will trundle along in the same sort of job, simply sitting around whimpering about having nothing to do my new found freedom - letting it pass me by in a ridiculously Sally Webster way... I'd like to think that I'll have plans, I'll have a life. Let's - again - look at an ideal situation; I'll be writing and earning enough money to be comfortable, I'll be able to travel to new places, inspirational place to inspire more writing, I'll update my children on how their mother is kicking ass in life, as opposed to sitting around, festering and waiting for them to bring me bags of washing home to prove to me that they still need me. I will inspire them and they will look at me and think, 'Wow, that's my mum!' Even if I'm not travelling the world or relaxing in a bath of fifty pound notes, I hope that I will still be awesome enough for them to think that, as I do of my own mum.
I don't want there to be a time when I feel like I'm done - not until I know it's time for me to go (getting too deep here? Apologies...) but I want to live life to the full, embrace my feelings, follow my dreams; LIVE!
I remember wanting my mum to buy me a T-shirt when I was younger, it Red Dwarf memorabilia (hello 90s children!) and had a picture of Craig Charles on the front with some sort of alien blasting gun in his hands. She wouldn't buy me it, probably because the phrase was:
Let's get out there and twat it!
But I think these could be wise words...
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